Deuces

      Recently I had a conversation with my soul sister, I call her my soul sister because we come from the same place and we strive to be great. She is my best friend and my sister from another mother, we see the world as if we are looking through one set of eyes. We were on our way to Atlanta to write one for the memory books and we were talking about relationships. Lately my ex has been the topic of discussion. As we rode up I-85, with the wind blowing through our hair at 2 a.m. in the morning, yep 2 a.m. I had an epiphany and I realize I have allowed this guy control over me and he is no where near me. In fact I haven't seen him in months and he still has control over me. I mean every time I am amongst friends I talk about him.
    As we were riding I recalled a post I had read on his facebook page (thanks to my friend for being his friend)  his sister and his fiancee were talking about me saying how I was rude to his mom and basically making a mockery of our relationship. Well I was deeply troubled and highly upset by these comments.
     I wanted to lash out but I decided not to, this was a step in getting him out of my system. When I was with this guy I always second guess myself and I always relied on his opinion about me, if he told me I was beautiful, I felt beautiful;  if he told me that I shouldn't wear something or I shouldn't do something I wouldn't , he had that much power over me. But, as we were riding on this journey to follow my dreams and define my destiny ( I was going to audition for a reality show)  Keri and I continued to talk about this guy, mainly she did the talking and I listen and cosign, I realize that I am continuing to give him the power. He is still winning and I am still losing.
     This guy isn't losing sleep over me and talking about me so why am I? Am I that blinded by love that I continue to allow it to have power over me? Well not anymore. We continued to talk until I realize that I was indeed over this. My friends told me that it would take just as long to get over him as it did to get into him, well I disagreed with that cause it took awhile for me to get into him so I'll be damn if it takes just as long. Like Mary said "I've done enough crying, now its time to do something for me."
        So the weekend in Atlanta was the start of me following my dreams and listening to my heart. Even though I didn't get chosen to be apart of the show. I still felt good because for the first time I was doing something for myself and for that I am a winner. Also, I realize that I don't need a man to justify me just thinking about it makes me upset with myself , I mean I must have been out of my mind to let it go on this long. As I write this final chapter to the ex-factor I reminisce on all the opportunities I have missed out on in the past 7 years and I refuse to miss anymore. I can  officially smile again.  : )
        Once I got home I went to the gym and later told the friend who is friends with my ex on facebook to delete him as a friend. I told her I don't need the updates on his life and  i just want to move on, to be frank I'm tired of it. I'm not just writing this for myself but also for the woman  that is going through something similar, the one who can't imagine life without him, the one who cries herself to sleep at night because of the wrong he has done to her and how no matter what he does, she continues to open her door's  to him. This, hopefully, will be inspiration for the one who jumps from man to man just so she won't think about him in hopes of getting his attention, and for the one who just wants to get away but don't know how.
        Now my mom and her generation would call us a fool for the things we allow ourselves to go through but they have to realize we are a different generation. We are the ones who saw them struggle and we don't want to go through the same thing so we seek refuge in a man who we believe will take care of us but we are mistaken and we have to learn, can't no man take care of us like we can take care of ourselves.
       This is to my ladies remember it has already been outlined, we are the caregivers and they are the providers but when they don't provide we have to move on even if we are unsure of what tomorrow might bring that's when faith steps in and our father -that guy who sits high but looks low- will become our provider.
        OK, so back to my story I had the best time in Atlanta with my girl and I can't wait to move there (yep I'm claiming it) but this trip was meant for me to take so I could finally do what I needed to do and that was to get fed up and tired of this situation and take my mind back once and for all. From now on I will follow my heart and seek to please God. From now on I'm doing me and I know some people are not always going to agree nor understand but that is what will make life more fulfilling and rewarding. I know it was people who didn't agree with us going to Atlanta but its life and we in it to win it. To my friend who is losing sleep over that guy, the one who can't keep her composure when he comes around, and the one who gets angry when she realize that once again she has been played... Remember it ain't worth it because that guy that won't act right its one that's right in your face that will. So in the words of the greatest lyricist of all time Tupac "Keep ya head up" we should all listen to that song sometimes, it truly my motivation.

Chrisette Michele said it best "Blame it on Me, say It's My fault, say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart.....say that I'm a liar, cheater, say what you like"